Cobbler’s kids don’t have shoes and frequently the children of teachers and psychologists are the least socially integrated.
What’s it like to have a family therapist as a son-in-law? Peace and harmony? Yeah, sure.
In the Japanese martial arts, one is not allowed to use one’s skills outside the dojo.
But imagine, if one is an expert in mind control, wouldn’t it be too tempting to use it on your in-laws?
This sounds so wonderful:
“X is an expert at improving families’ communication and is an experienced practitioner of NVC (non-violent, or compassionate, communication). X is fascinated with seeking solutions to family conflict. He is committed to helping people work through problems instead of dissolving relationships.”
From the handbook of dissolving relationships is “make impossible demands on your in-laws and threaten to break off contact if they don’t comply”. Make good such threats by sequestering their family member for two years in an unknown part of town and then whisk her off to another country without notifying them.
Use psychobabble in a form that makes the client feel enlightened and compassionate at the same time when making draconian demands: “Build bridges or build walls, it’s your choice, otherwise I will have nothing to do with you, mom”.
“X also has extensive family therapy training from the XX of X treating unhappy couples, depressed and oppositional teens, and families who have suffered trauma. He is trained in EMDR and Attachment-Based Family Therapy.”
How about manufacturing unhappy couples by having their daughter so worked up that she pretends not to see her parents on the street, accuses them of things they didn’t do, or if there were a grain of truth in there somewhere, blow them up to absurd proportions?
The frequent result of such mind bending is FMS, False Memory Syndrome. An outstanding characteristic of FMS, or psychologist guided “recovered” memories is the intractibility of the memories, not mollified or ameliorated even over decades, compounded by the absolute resistence to communicate with the accused person (aided and abetted by the “doctor of the mind” who has to make a buck and therefore extend this process as long as possible).
It is only commonsense that if the objective is to help a person recover when the other party is willing to talk, then doing so should be devoutly pursued.
A real psychologist, not a charlatan, would make good the claim that he is committed to improved communication. Instead, if the goal is mind control, then sure, encourage the person to break bonds with her family. These are classic cult tactics.
“X has an uncanny ability to understand his clients’ points of view. He zeroes in on your thoughts, concerns, and interests. He asks you to delve deeply and understand yourself better.”
What is this, black magic? I don’t want anyone to zero into MY thoughts. I don’t want to be manipulated mentally. Taking responsibility for one’s own thoughts and emotions should be the goal, not someone getting into your head and crossing wires. Mind control fosters dependence.
The following is Scapegoat Therapy:
“Do you feel that the significant people in your life, who should be supportive, are the cause of your unhappiness? Do you struggle to find comfort in your relationships? I work well with clients who are experiencing significant distress in their lives that cannot be alleviated (and may even be increased) by partners or family members.“
In other words, if you feel distressed, wouldn’t it be nice to find a cause OUTSIDE of you?
In the first half of the 20th Century, there was the fad to blame the bad Mama for any and every psychological problems going back to insufficient nursing, ad nauseam.
Now there is “mourning for the family one never had”. Depending on the degree of one’s feeling of self-entitlement, this can reach mammoth proportions. But more importantly, how can one EVER reconcile the actual imperfect parent with the chimera of one’s dreams concocted by a mind bender?
Implied if not stated, the other person is NOT good enough, a priori, a virtually unchallengable premise since one cannot go back into the past and change anything. And if we are talking about “recovered memories”, these are practically intractible in a controlled, secluded environment where they are constantly reinforced and where the accused parties have no chances to state their own case and defend themselves.
The character and not the actions, though, is the issue here. The blamed person is simply condemned and there is no redemption, only humiliation and lifelong blackmail. Actions can be forgiven but don’t ask such people to recall specific events, so as to place them into a wider context that may be turn out to be more positive than negative. After all, this is the goal of therapy and not mind control, to reframe experiences to make them palatable.
I would put my own psychological spin on “Do you think others are the cause of your unhappiness” as a noxious projection on the world. If such a person can discharge his own monumental frustration on well chosen but somewhat indirect hostages, how convenient!!! It is possible to self-promote in society with a compassionate demeanor, yet with hidden persecution in the closet.
Moreover, mature adults if they didn’t learn through therapy, gradually realize that they control the threshold through which positive or negative experiences are recognized as such. No one is the cause of anyone else’s unhappiness unless the person allows himself to believe it. “You made me do it, think it, feel it, etc.” is simply infantile.
The handbook for “Blackmailing One’s In-Laws” must be:
1) Foster an irrational dependence on “me” as the saviour from your horrible family of origin.
2) Do not consider the in-laws’ points of view or extenuating circumstances. (Mature adults can and do make allowances for the difficulties of their parents, such as work, education, health, financial difficulties, etc.)
3) Magnify any and all negative experiences until they become self-perpetuating monuments, never to place in a larger context of positive experiences that might mitigate them or even be forgiven, which is the religious, not “therapeutic” method of dealing with suchlike.
4) Physically exclude your partner from anything that might contradict you in any way, so that you will be forever the saviour and dispenser of life and truth.
5) Spread psychobabble liberally, talk frequently about love and peace in order to create a smokescreen for the Bolshevik tactics of pushing through your agenda and the means of working out your own monumental hate and frustration.
6) Feel good when you self-promote about how compassionate you are while counting up all those you have manipulated and hurt.
Update: Since there have been a few hits recently on this article I decided to add more psycho-tripe emanating from the same source. How’s this? Taking Care of Your Partner’s Wounded Child*
Considering the source, this may well be true: The unhappy, inner child lives in an adult’s body. The question is “Does the child EVER grow up?” Not if one is continually being reminded of one’s childhood and the wounds are constantly being stroked.
“..Use that information to make a healing gesture everyday. If she suffered from feelings of critical judgment, take a moment to praise her. If her mother was loud and angry, talk to her in a soothing voice. If his father was unavailable emotionally, spend time asking about, and listening to, his feelings. Every day.”
Some might call this emotional masturbation. Just to inform, those who are not brought up to express feelings usually remain happily in that condition without the need or urge to do it EVERYDAY.
More and more even among therapy freaks (and let’s face it the expense is enough to put one off) it is becoming clearer that most of it is hogwash.
In the past one would seek the advice of an elder with life experience, not some stuffed-shirt intellectual with an ax to grind. Barring that – SURPRISE! – there is the Church and the Bible!!! Yes, before psychotherapy there was actually GOD and He did a much better job of healing men’s souls.
So much of psychology is now social engineering and if it didn’t actually start that way, it is surely ending up in that morass. You can’t separate the spirit from the mind. ONLY GOD heals!!! But heck, admitting that would put some egomaniacs out of a job!!!
Jesus is the Way, the Truth and the Light. What more can one want for a Doctor??? And it’s FOR FREE!!!
* A cited source is “How to Get the Love You Always Wanted”. I submit this attitude is childish. Mature adults realize that love is not taken from a free goods emporium. You don’t “get” love anymore than you “get” money unless you are fundamentally a manipulator and parasite.
See, love cannot be guaranteed except in the confines of a heavily controlled environment. Prisons are not only physical as in the case of the criminals who built shacks and underground living quarters for their abductees or their own children. CONTROL is the irreducible here and should be recognized as such. Because it is based on the fear of abandonment, control is not love and love is not control.
Mind bending under the faux guise of compassion can go on for years, for a decade and a half even. But as in the new culture of the internet where everyone knows everything: you can run but you can’t hide, especially from those for whom manipulation and faking feelings are abominations. True discernment is one of the many fruits accorded to them.